I Should Have Known.

My sincere apologies go out to all of my blog viewers. I feel like I have failed you all by not updating every 2 days. I have truly been so busy that I have contemplated quitting school and quitting my job and spending the rest of my life eating puppies and kittens while drawing caricatures of old women at a county fair.

Well, I wasn't going to post tonight. That was until I heard a knock on my door. I didn't think that there would be a legion of flying monkeys waiting on the other end. I should have known... Well, my brother has been obsessing over this blog, and apparently he has gotten furious at the fact that I haven't updated it in a while. I don't know where he got the flying monkeys... I am guessing they lived in the forest of what we call "Aaron's hairy back". Just a guess though. I'm pretty sure that this is exactly what it looked like from his end:

So needless to say, I will retaliate (There is a good chance that I will outline my plans of retaliation in my next post). I'm just sick of Aaron taking advantage of me in every way.

So, I had an interesting experience on Sunday. Apparently, I am what most people would call a flaming-homosexual-dude-magnet. I mean, it's just about getting ridiculous these days. It seems that I can't step out of the front door without a gay man telling me freaky things like "I want to be your first kiss" or "let's go cook a gourmet dinner together". Well, at any rate, back to the story.
Well, I am with my good friend, Chelsea Martin (see post #1 for a little bit of background there...). We are at the Easton Mall doing some sale shopping. Come to think of it, before I continue, I want to clear something up...a personal view, if you may.

I was reading the Bible the other day and I found something rather startling: According to the Scriptures, Abercrombie and Fitch is, in fact, the dwelling place of those who perished in the firey destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah. As you may remember, Abraham found only one man worthy of being spared. His name was Lot. The rest were obliterated. Their souls now freely roam Abercrombie and Fitch. Additionally, the actual gateway to Hell is located somewhere in the men's section near the jeans.

Just wanted to make sure you are well-informed. Tim Lahaye, one of the authors of the Left Behind series, told me today on the phone that he is revising all of his books to accomodate my new findings.

Well, that aside...

So, we find ourselves at the Express store at Easton. I glance into the store, and see that they are having an "END OF THE SEASON FINAL CLEARANCE SALE!". Well, as soon as I saw the signs, three things happened simultaneously:

1. I started crying out of sheer joy.
2. I soiled myself not once, but twice.
3. I danced my pants off (see below for exactly what the situation looked like).

Well, as I danced my pants off, I must have gotten the attention of a certain man who worked at Express - as soon as I entered the store, this man (whom we will call Stephan from here on out. Please note, it is pronounced with emphasis on PHAN. Try saying it now...StePHAN.) approaches me and asks:

"Would you like me to help you find the right sizes?"

Well, of course I would. This guy most likely lives at Express - he probably knows the store as well as he knows every crevice of his chisled body (I will go ahead an apologize to any of the homo-sensitive men reading this post - particularly Aaron Huber and Chuck Norris).

I spend a good half hour looking through all of the clothes, while my helpful assistant gathers clothing for me and offers his opinions. Well, while I am off looking at jackets (or something along those lines) Stephan apparently approached Chelsea. I am later informed of the following dialogue:

Stephan: So, did he drag you along as his shopping buddy?
Chelsea: No, he didn't force me to shop with him, I came willingly.
Stephan: Oh that's good. So is he your boyfriend, or what?
Chelsea: Haha... No, we're friends.
Stephan: Even better!
(Stephan walks away, Chelsea realizes what's going on and hurries to me).

Chelsea pulls me aside, and askes me "do you know what is going on here?". Of course, I had no idea what she was talking about, and asked her to explain. She informed me that this man was actually hitting on me. Well, that is interesting. I thought that he just spent the last 40 minutes helping me shop because he loves clothes, not because he loves men.

Well, I got yelled at (by Chelsea) for leading him on... so that was one of the most twisted lessons I have learned in a while: "Don't lead a man on. It's just not nice".

I am quickly getting tired. Well, before I go, I want to inform you that I wrote a book. Go ahead and support me (and the $7 balance in my bank account) and purchase the book. Here is a picture of the cover - this will give you a good idea.

I apologize for mentally/emotionally scarring all of you.
Now that I have made a complete fool of myself...

I think I am going to go to sleep. Farewell my friends.

Rock and be Rocked.

Matt