When I Play Scrabble, There is Always Weeping and Gnashing of Teeth
Before I begin, I think some people owe me an apology. I don't usually take the "I-think-people-treat-me-like-trash-because-I-am-used-to-
being-treated-like-Julius-Caesar" route, but you'll have to excuse me.
So, without further ado...
THE SHORT LIST OF PEOPLE WHO OWE ME AN APOLOGY
1. Diamond, the maker of strike-anywhere matches. I am so sick of them insisting that one can ignite these matches on any surface. Its a LIE. I demand a disclaimer on the box stating all of the places these alleged strike-anywhere matches WON'T light. For instance, the following surfaces fail to ignite the matches:
- Potatoes
- My greasy forehead
- Aaron's unibrow
- The surface of water
- Ice
- The tail of a mighty lioness
I attempted all of the above, and I was so disappointed that the match would not light that I cried and then slayed a small dragon. I swear, you, Diamond, will face the same fate as the dragon if you aren't pro-active about this issue.
2. Those who pester me about updating my blog. I have been very busy. Let me give you a peek in on my daily schedule. Brace yourself...its brutal.
1:45 pm - Struggle to get out of bed
1:50 pm - Shave my legs
2:00 pm - Begin my gluttonous breakfast
4:30 pm - Finish eating breakfast, take a shower to wash all of the butter off my upper body.
5:30 pm - exercise
5:31 pm - Take a cool-down shower
6:00 pm - Read sophisticated literature (I just finished "Berenstain Bears and the Homework Hassle")
8:00 pm - Finish book, go to bed
So, you can see how it is very difficult for me to find time to blog!
3. George W. Bush. I thought that I may as well jump on that train. No real reason. I guess I just wanted to be like everyone else who thinks that Bush is ruining their lives. Because, after all, it IS Bush's fault that cute, fluffy seals are being slaughtered and that Tom Cruise is a freakin' maniac.
-------------------------------------------
At any rate... enough of that.
Well, I was at the mall with a couple of friends of mine this last weekend, and witnessed the most ridiculous situation.
We were at a Chinese food place in the mall. Well, this obnoxious black woman in front of us (God bless her) begins getting irate because she can't understand what the kind Asian lady at the counter is saying. Well, the hilarity is in the fact that, while the lady at the counter was speaking somewhat broken English, the black lady was speaking in thick ebonics. Can you say LOST IN TRANSLATION?! Irony! Hehe...ebonics. So much fun. I tried to speak in ebonics while on the OSU campus, but ended up offending a bunch of huge black men who ended up gang raping me. Lesson learned!
Well, I have a lot of mental and intestinal baggage right now, and since I am having troubles with the whole intestinal thing, I am going to end this post with a section I will call:
When I can't push it out the buttocks, it's gonna come out the mouth (I feel like I am running a huge risk of conveying multiple meanings here):
Did you know that Prince is a Jehovah's Witness? I just learned that today. Maybe that's why the man can dance so well.
95% of Americans unknowingly suffer from Gum Disease. I am pretty sure that is a lie. If it isn't though, we have a serious problem on our hands.
Pat Robertson has done some good things for the Christian faith, but he's been saying some really freakin' ridiculous things lately. For example... "Maybe we need a very small nuke thrown off on Foggy Bottom to shake things up". Hmmm....nuking the State Department...okay?
Ravi Zaccharias is really amazing. Think Christianity lacks in the philosophical/logical field?! Please do yourself a favor and listen to some of his online audio... www.rzim.org.
I got a nosebleed today and put an entire tissue in my nose.
Some guy spent his spring break at Wal-Mart. That's right, this guy's mission was to find out whether Wal-Mart ALWAYS has low prices and did so by staying at Wal-Mart for 40 some hours. Check it...
So I am getting hungry and tired. I think I am going to go climb in bed and enjoy an entire sugar-cream pie.
being-treated-like-Julius-Caesar" route, but you'll have to excuse me.
So, without further ado...
THE SHORT LIST OF PEOPLE WHO OWE ME AN APOLOGY
1. Diamond, the maker of strike-anywhere matches. I am so sick of them insisting that one can ignite these matches on any surface. Its a LIE. I demand a disclaimer on the box stating all of the places these alleged strike-anywhere matches WON'T light. For instance, the following surfaces fail to ignite the matches:
- Potatoes
- My greasy forehead
- Aaron's unibrow
- The surface of water
- Ice
- The tail of a mighty lioness
I attempted all of the above, and I was so disappointed that the match would not light that I cried and then slayed a small dragon. I swear, you, Diamond, will face the same fate as the dragon if you aren't pro-active about this issue.
2. Those who pester me about updating my blog. I have been very busy. Let me give you a peek in on my daily schedule. Brace yourself...its brutal.
1:45 pm - Struggle to get out of bed
1:50 pm - Shave my legs
2:00 pm - Begin my gluttonous breakfast
4:30 pm - Finish eating breakfast, take a shower to wash all of the butter off my upper body.
5:30 pm - exercise
5:31 pm - Take a cool-down shower
6:00 pm - Read sophisticated literature (I just finished "Berenstain Bears and the Homework Hassle")
8:00 pm - Finish book, go to bed
So, you can see how it is very difficult for me to find time to blog!
3. George W. Bush. I thought that I may as well jump on that train. No real reason. I guess I just wanted to be like everyone else who thinks that Bush is ruining their lives. Because, after all, it IS Bush's fault that cute, fluffy seals are being slaughtered and that Tom Cruise is a freakin' maniac.
-------------------------------------------
At any rate... enough of that.
Well, I was at the mall with a couple of friends of mine this last weekend, and witnessed the most ridiculous situation.
We were at a Chinese food place in the mall. Well, this obnoxious black woman in front of us (God bless her) begins getting irate because she can't understand what the kind Asian lady at the counter is saying. Well, the hilarity is in the fact that, while the lady at the counter was speaking somewhat broken English, the black lady was speaking in thick ebonics. Can you say LOST IN TRANSLATION?! Irony! Hehe...ebonics. So much fun. I tried to speak in ebonics while on the OSU campus, but ended up offending a bunch of huge black men who ended up gang raping me. Lesson learned!
Well, I have a lot of mental and intestinal baggage right now, and since I am having troubles with the whole intestinal thing, I am going to end this post with a section I will call:
When I can't push it out the buttocks, it's gonna come out the mouth (I feel like I am running a huge risk of conveying multiple meanings here):
Did you know that Prince is a Jehovah's Witness? I just learned that today. Maybe that's why the man can dance so well.
95% of Americans unknowingly suffer from Gum Disease. I am pretty sure that is a lie. If it isn't though, we have a serious problem on our hands.
Pat Robertson has done some good things for the Christian faith, but he's been saying some really freakin' ridiculous things lately. For example... "Maybe we need a very small nuke thrown off on Foggy Bottom to shake things up". Hmmm....nuking the State Department...okay?
Ravi Zaccharias is really amazing. Think Christianity lacks in the philosophical/logical field?! Please do yourself a favor and listen to some of his online audio... www.rzim.org.
I got a nosebleed today and put an entire tissue in my nose.
Some guy spent his spring break at Wal-Mart. That's right, this guy's mission was to find out whether Wal-Mart ALWAYS has low prices and did so by staying at Wal-Mart for 40 some hours. Check it...
So I am getting hungry and tired. I think I am going to go climb in bed and enjoy an entire sugar-cream pie.
posted by Matt Huber at 10:06 PM
10 Comments:
a whole tissue!? thats impressive...that and surviving the gang rape
you never cease to amaze me with some of the thigns you come up with!
my 3 fav things about this post:
1. exercising for a min and then a cool down shower! wow!
2. it's good to know not to try to light a potatoe on fire..(plus all the other things as well!)
3. the fact that you start of the post with the title: "when i play scrabble, there is always weeping and gnashing of teeth" and you don't talk about scrabble or anything near that topic!
your life must suck waking up at 1:45 and doing nothing of any importance....
woe is thou! i think i could almost cry for you!
wow i just looked and realized how much i wrote...it was like a book! sorry!:)
ps: where in the world did you stumble across that Bush site! Bad bad boy
mmmmmm... gang ra... wha!? Hurnhh?!
i cant believe you are coming to g'vill for the summer thats so exciting so exciting that im writing a run-on sentence wow i never do that so you're special...get ready for some fun times here in ol' g'ville!!!
Hey Matt, it Shae! Allyson and I were searching the internet and found your blog! It is hilarious! Omg I had so much fun Friday night we will have to go on another picnic! And then go to meijers and get popcicles! By the way thanks for all the music we really enjoy it!
Well ill see you wednesday at youth group!
ttyl
~Shae
HEY Matt!!!!!!! shae and i just found your blog and decided to say HEY! (actually shae found it because you got on it on her computer and she was looking through her history lol) :) anyways.....i had alot of fun on friday at alum creek! hopefully we can all get together soon to eat popsicles hehe and hang out that would be FUN!!!!!!!!! talk to u soon.........<3Allyson
Funniest Post Ever.
so thats what i've been doing wrong.
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