If I Could Challenge Einstein to an Intellectual Battle, He'd Cry & Spend All of His Money on Vending-Machine Jewelry to Mend His Damaged Self-Esteem

You may feel as if the title gives me too much credit. But if you think it does, you're stupid. Check out this picture. I did that with my mind. The guys in the background made me really mad and I decided to smash their car with my amazing telekinetic mind powers.



Anyway... In this post, I am going to tackle a very important, pressing issue that we, as human beings in 2006, face every day.


EXTREMELY IMPORTANT ISSUE: LOVE

For thousands of years, philosophers, intellectuals, and poets have been trying to understand love. I don't understand it completely, but I do believe that I can make some valid points that will bring us a little closer to understand this thing called LOVE. If you would like to pick up my book (which I wrote at the age of 8 for a home-school assignment), email me and let me know. Here is a picture of me at one of my book-signings:



First, we must define love.

I went to www.urbandictionary.com, and I got this definition.
"Love is nature's way of tricking people into reproducing".

I don't think that writer knows what he is talking about. I think he's just bitter because he just got out of a bad relationship. Here's what probably happened in his relationship. This is just a guess, but judging by his comment, I think I am about 99% correct.
He started dating a girl named Sherri. Now, Sherri really likes guys who can do really cool things like spinning on their head, skateboarding, or eating tons of hotdogs all at once like that Asian guy I saw on TV. Well, this guy decided that he needed to learn how to do something really awesome. So, he decided to devote his time to eating things that should never be consumed by a human being such as:

1. Surgical razor blades
2. An entire ant-farm
3. A 5-gallon bucket of sand
4. 90 pounds of bologna

Well, after consuming the above, his stomach exploded for unknown reasons.
While he was in the hospital, he found out that Sherri was dating a criminal named Chris Kemp. Apparently she was impressed with his beautiful forehead and his ability to rob houses while wearing the owner's mother's clothing. Amazing.


And that's why this man is bitter, and why he wrote that definition.

But yeahhhhh... Moving on..

So we've defined what love isn't, to a certain degree.
So what is love?

1. Love is a game. Much like baseball, ping-pong and boxing, it's all about competition: winning and making your opponent look like a fool. You just can't let someone like the same person you like and get away with it!!!

2. The more you cry, the more you love someone. If you don't cry when the person you are in love with forgets to say goodbye to you, you probably aren't in love. I cry every hour on the hour while I'm in love with someone. I am so in love with people.

3. Love has a lot to do with writing nice letters (this one is for guys). If you can write a letter that makes a girl weep upon reading it, you're in luck! Being in love will be very easy for you. Check this letter out. I wrote it and gave it to my most recent love. You can't say that this letter isn't touching. Just a suggestion from a pro here...make sure to slip in at least one heart in each letter (check out the "O" in the word "to"). That kind of thing makes anyone's heart explode with love and affection. It's just cute.


This brings me to my next point.

4. If you can't constantly buy your love things, you probably aren't in love. Buy them ANYTHING you can get your hands on. Some objects have much more love-worth than others. I have developed a way to calculate the love-worth of an object. This is essential!

Object's size (measured in centimeters cubed) x Price of object (in Yen) = Love-worth

5. Sometimes, arrange a date, and don't show up. This makes you mysterious and more desirable. You have to be careful with this one, though. It can easily backfire. Always remember, if you don't show up, make sure you aren't doing something with another person instead. This is a big no-no and will cause problems. My friend made that mistake once, and received the following response as a result:

Luckily, she wasn't mad at him that time. But the following time, he made the same mistake and both he and Charlene got slapped in the eye.

Well, there you have it. Follow my simple guide-lines and you will most definitely have a successful dating life!

Signing out,
Matt