Abraham Lincoln and the Ghetto Blaster.
Ah! It is good to get back to the blog. It is a very theraputic excercize - it helps me forget about the fact that I just shaved my brother's back.
Anyway, this is going to be what we like to call a megablog. I suppose now would be an appropriate time to clarify the meaning of the prefix mega-. Here's how I'm going to tackle this one...
The 2 Meanings of MEGA
1. The Abraham Lincoln Meaning.
Right up there with John Bobbit, Honest Abe is one of the most influintial people in American history. If you don't agree with me, I will punish you. I haven't decided how I will punish you, but I'm pretty sure it will involve a combination of Sour Kraut, scissors, sandpaper-like hotel room toilet paper, and Janet Reno (ex-Attorney General of the United States).
I bet, if she tried, she could bite straight through a mighty rain-forest tree with those impressive teeth. I would kill to have her beautiful teeth and crooked smile (which, by the way, I find quite seductive).
Anyway, back to good old Abe. Okay, the reason he is MEGA is because he did two amazing things for America. Not only did he play a large part in stopping the American slave trade (to my understanding, at least), but he single-handedly introduced the Ghetto Blaster. As I was researching, I found this picture in the historical archives of America.
It is hard to believe, I know - but since you heard it from me, you know it's fact (because I'm awesome. Let me put it this way - Ken Jennings polishes my toenails every night and reads me Boxcar Children books as I drift into my slumber).
At any rate, all this to say, MEGA can mean the same thing as "awesome" or "RaDiCaL!!!!!!!!!!!! LOL LOL!!!!11111" (hopefully some of you will be able to appreciate the last one - it's art).
2. Another meaning of MEGA is displayed in this picture:
So, as you can tell, MEGA doesn't have to be describing a good thing. In fact, the above pictures is probably one of the most awful things ever created. I am afraid that if I ever have a child, that terrible machine will be at the hospital waiting to eat my firstborn.
Do you understand? I hope so.
MOOOOOVING ON...
It is now time to tackle an extremely important issue...that's right!!! You thought it was only a one-time deal? NO! Folks, I am turning this into a TWO PART SERIES!!!
EXTREMELY IMPORTANT ISSUE: TECHNOLOGY THAT SCARES ME SO MUCH, I FEEL COMPELLED TO RIP OFF BOTH OF MY EYE BROWS AND GLUE THEM TO MY UPPER LIP TO MAKE A BEAUTIFUL MUSTACHE
1. Lasik eye surgery.
Okay...I am having a hard time understanding this. "Hmm...I have bad eyesight. How should I solve this problem? Oh, maybe I will have someone shoot a laser straight into my eye. That should make my eyes work better."
As far as I'm concerned, lasers belong in one place, and one place alone: the Deathstar. If you want Darth Vader to fire the Deathstar into your tender retna, that's fine with me, but I'm not going to agree with your ludicris decision.
2. The Gillette Fusion
As if 3 blades weren't enough, apparently Gillette decided that we, the people of the United States of America needed a 5-bladed razor to shave our faces with. As far as I'm concerned, Gillette has created the most terrifying murder weapon imaginable.
On a lighter note, I was doing a little bit of research and found an interesting article...check this out...
"In response to the arms race between Gillette and Schick, a new variation of technological singularity has been proposed. After the invention of the safety razor, it took 75 years for the second blade to be added, then only 15 for the third, and one for the fourth and fifth. Using static analysis, this perfectly matches a hyperbolic curve which reaches infinity in 2015, predicting therefore that by then razors will have an infinite number of blades."
Incredible. Sick.
But seriously - check this out.
Well, I would continue ranting, but I am getting extremely tired. I have been working on this for a good while now. Because I am cutting this one short, I will have to make it up to y'all by upping the frequency of my posts. I'll make sure to post again within a week or two.
Anyway, I'd like to leave you all with one last thought:
BATMAN IS THE WEAKEST SUPERHERO EVER
(So weak, in fact, that I had to write his name in purple).
Okay, I know there are many of you that would argue that he's the coolest because he's a self-made superhero. Yeah, those of you that hold that opinion are probably the same type of people who enjoy tapioca pudding and listening to Kenny Rogers.
Anyway, it is my view that Batman could easily be defeated by any other superhero, including the Green Lantern. In fact, I could competely destroy Batman, and that's quite a slap in the face, considering the fact that I am regularly beat in arm wrestling matches by 80-year old women. Oh yeah, and what a lame name...BATMAN!? Seriously. If it was up to me, his name would have been "Extremely Scary Bat Monster". Sounds better to me.
Seriously. Give me a break, Batman. You're a failure. If your parents were still alive they would probably just disown you.
Does anyone agree with me?!
G'night. Thanks for readin'.
Anyway, this is going to be what we like to call a megablog. I suppose now would be an appropriate time to clarify the meaning of the prefix mega-. Here's how I'm going to tackle this one...
The 2 Meanings of MEGA
1. The Abraham Lincoln Meaning.
Right up there with John Bobbit, Honest Abe is one of the most influintial people in American history. If you don't agree with me, I will punish you. I haven't decided how I will punish you, but I'm pretty sure it will involve a combination of Sour Kraut, scissors, sandpaper-like hotel room toilet paper, and Janet Reno (ex-Attorney General of the United States).
I bet, if she tried, she could bite straight through a mighty rain-forest tree with those impressive teeth. I would kill to have her beautiful teeth and crooked smile (which, by the way, I find quite seductive).
Anyway, back to good old Abe. Okay, the reason he is MEGA is because he did two amazing things for America. Not only did he play a large part in stopping the American slave trade (to my understanding, at least), but he single-handedly introduced the Ghetto Blaster. As I was researching, I found this picture in the historical archives of America.
It is hard to believe, I know - but since you heard it from me, you know it's fact (because I'm awesome. Let me put it this way - Ken Jennings polishes my toenails every night and reads me Boxcar Children books as I drift into my slumber).At any rate, all this to say, MEGA can mean the same thing as "awesome" or "RaDiCaL!!!!!!!!!!!! LOL LOL!!!!11111" (hopefully some of you will be able to appreciate the last one - it's art).
2. Another meaning of MEGA is displayed in this picture:
So, as you can tell, MEGA doesn't have to be describing a good thing. In fact, the above pictures is probably one of the most awful things ever created. I am afraid that if I ever have a child, that terrible machine will be at the hospital waiting to eat my firstborn.
Do you understand? I hope so.
MOOOOOVING ON...
It is now time to tackle an extremely important issue...that's right!!! You thought it was only a one-time deal? NO! Folks, I am turning this into a TWO PART SERIES!!!
EXTREMELY IMPORTANT ISSUE: TECHNOLOGY THAT SCARES ME SO MUCH, I FEEL COMPELLED TO RIP OFF BOTH OF MY EYE BROWS AND GLUE THEM TO MY UPPER LIP TO MAKE A BEAUTIFUL MUSTACHE
1. Lasik eye surgery.
Okay...I am having a hard time understanding this. "Hmm...I have bad eyesight. How should I solve this problem? Oh, maybe I will have someone shoot a laser straight into my eye. That should make my eyes work better."
As far as I'm concerned, lasers belong in one place, and one place alone: the Deathstar. If you want Darth Vader to fire the Deathstar into your tender retna, that's fine with me, but I'm not going to agree with your ludicris decision.
2. The Gillette Fusion
As if 3 blades weren't enough, apparently Gillette decided that we, the people of the United States of America needed a 5-bladed razor to shave our faces with. As far as I'm concerned, Gillette has created the most terrifying murder weapon imaginable.
On a lighter note, I was doing a little bit of research and found an interesting article...check this out...
"In response to the arms race between Gillette and Schick, a new variation of technological singularity has been proposed. After the invention of the safety razor, it took 75 years for the second blade to be added, then only 15 for the third, and one for the fourth and fifth. Using static analysis, this perfectly matches a hyperbolic curve which reaches infinity in 2015, predicting therefore that by then razors will have an infinite number of blades."
Incredible. Sick.
But seriously - check this out.
Well, I would continue ranting, but I am getting extremely tired. I have been working on this for a good while now. Because I am cutting this one short, I will have to make it up to y'all by upping the frequency of my posts. I'll make sure to post again within a week or two.
Anyway, I'd like to leave you all with one last thought:
BATMAN IS THE WEAKEST SUPERHERO EVER
(So weak, in fact, that I had to write his name in purple).
Okay, I know there are many of you that would argue that he's the coolest because he's a self-made superhero. Yeah, those of you that hold that opinion are probably the same type of people who enjoy tapioca pudding and listening to Kenny Rogers.
Anyway, it is my view that Batman could easily be defeated by any other superhero, including the Green Lantern. In fact, I could competely destroy Batman, and that's quite a slap in the face, considering the fact that I am regularly beat in arm wrestling matches by 80-year old women. Oh yeah, and what a lame name...BATMAN!? Seriously. If it was up to me, his name would have been "Extremely Scary Bat Monster". Sounds better to me.
Seriously. Give me a break, Batman. You're a failure. If your parents were still alive they would probably just disown you.
Does anyone agree with me?!
G'night. Thanks for readin'.
posted by Matt Huber at 8:59 PM
16 Comments:
amazing as always - i will now go shave myself with the infinity razor
wes
Haha...I was with you and laughing the whole way until you got to Batman. I agree, one of the lamer superheroes...but, I do give him being props for being self-made, and then, yeah, I stopped short, because I DO love tapioca pudding, and one of my favorite songs is by Kenny Rogers, haha! Oh well..I'm still cool, right? ;)
Call me crazy but I just wasn't feeling it, seemed like you were pushing it a little hard. I did like the razor section however... and Batman's purple lettering.
You're still a blogger god however.
Just one of those weak ones who, even though they are a god, still can't get women..
Okay, Jon; you put me under a lot of pressure here, and I am considering just quitting all together.
Seriously.
You can't quit, Matt, the "Blogging Goddess"-okay wait, I mean, "Blogging God"...
No matter what they say, you are the most amazing blogger on the planet, creating a precise fusion of pure genius, knee-slappin' humor, and hilarious pictures...I can't tell you how excited I was that you created yet another entry. I wish it was my job to read your blogs, for they brighten my day and literally give me life.
So, on that note, keep up the good work, Matty, and visit the family sometime in the near future!
But before I end this super long comment, maybe you should fix the spelling mistakes in your latest entry; I think I found three...just some friendly advice!
(exhale)
thank you.
I agree about Batman, and the fact that that was one of the best blog posts I have ever seen.
Wow...you posted my Infini-T graphic and text. Where'd you come across it?
have you ever watched gilmore girls? they talk just like you...you are the female lauren graham...
we never did get together the whole 3 MONTHS that you were here! :(((( this is me very very sad
oopsy i meant MALE lauren graham...
You were right the first time..
your posts light up my day matthew....wont you give me some sunshine after a hard week? :)
ps: good point jon
holy crap! this is like the motherload of all posts. It'll take a while for this all to settle in.
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